Tuesday, November 29, 2005

You Live, You Learn

Learnt a lot of things about relationship lately.. the hard way through self experience. Did lots of unpredictable and illogical things that made some of my close friends question : is this Tapai? Well. This IS Tapai. Though most of the time this guy does not have much wants in life, but when he wants, he would do anything for the thing he wants most, including crazy stuff that might even go against 'adat'.
That's the thing with Malay culture. It is full of 'Adat', which it's objective is more towards 'sopan santun', 'jaga hati' and 'cakap berlapik'. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for 'Adat' because it is the identity of one society. However, i do think that there is a borderline between satisfying the criterion of 'Adat' and Satisfying ones need for happiness. Breaking 'Adat' would cause shame. Quoting a good friend, "Shame is temporary, Happiness is Forever". I do think that's true. But some people prefer short term against long term so if that is what they want, that is what they get.
But that's all in the past now. What should have happened, happened. What i should have done, I did. I shed new light to other peoples lives and i really feel good about it. No regrets. As my mum used to say, "Jangan sampai cakap 'kalau' ".
A new perspective about the term ,"Is He/She the one?". Farul told me," The one means the right girl at the right time". These previous weeks, i may have found the right girl, but i must have left my brain sumwhere and left out the 'right time' factor.
How do you know that it is the right girl? Well, for me, you just know. Before this, i could not tell the difference between infactuation/fling or Love. But now at least I do. And i guess i'm lucky to have a few friends beside me as an acid test. The simplest way is to look Ayil in the eyes and say ,' Aku suka dia' confidently. If I move away my eyes, then i am just forcing myself. There are others tests, but i would not dare to reveal it here.
Ayil, Ceng, Rumet, and Farul can always tell if the girl is suitable. That is just how close we are. And of course i would always note that their point of view is always the out come of discussion that they have with their wife, Esah, Along, Qz, and Jue. I can't really imagine where would i stand now if they weren't there to support (and also to make gay, loser and other inappropriate jokes as well).
Suddenly, i think i've exposed my self too much in this blog.. but i don't think i give a damn.. wait a minute....
yeah.. Don't give a damn.
Farul advised me to treat this as a learning process, and try to turn things in such a way that it becomes a motivation. Well, I do believe that i learnt a lot, especially in discovering my own self. And i guess, my friends would have learnt sumthing from my experience. Esah said,"Tapai, At least kitorang tahu ko bukan jenis yang sanggup break up somebody's home for your own self interest". And She also said "Tapai Lagi Handsome dari Ayil". Ahahaha.. (Teka, which statement yang Tipu?).
"Tuhan takkan bagi dugaan yang tak tertanggung". I heard that from sumwhere, and it basically means that if sumbody is meant to be a great person, he/she will have to go through great hurdles in life. There are times that i feel that i am tested until i nearly cross the borderline of sanity. Times that i feel that my chest is about to explode. Times that i feel so helpless. But hey, this means that my 'dugaan' is great.. and I am destined to be a great person. Hurrah!
Emotional Roller Coaster. That is what this experience was. If given the choice to choose between Genting's Triple Looper, Korea's Gyro Drop, and Australia's Lethal Weapon ride combined against Emotional Roller coaster, I would choose the first without hesitation. Well at least I survived the last one. Barely.
So what did I Actually do for the past few weeks? Must've been something sinful, sumthing bad, sumthing in a great magnitude. Well, let's just say something big could have happened. For better or worse? I would not know. But since in everyday Doa we always ask for 'Petunjuk' and something better, i should say what happened is for the best. And for those who knows.. cherish and learn from it.
I know i would. Till the end of time.


Anonymous said...

For a great guy like u,definitely u deserve someone and something better.Dugaan itu kadang-kala adalah rezeki dan rezeki adalh dugaan.We will never know what lies behind it.Sometimes we will discover it over night but sometimes it will take our whole life to discover it.For whatever yg dah berlaku,definitely she's not worth your love,your heart and time.Be strong.People around you are always praying for u.Be strong forever and ever until the end of time. ;-)

CENG said...

Dear Tapai,
Seeing you in your darkest hour is an honour to me and my wife. Although a lot of people sez that we have a 'gay' relationship, screw them.

Now, your eyes is opened to the world, and you can always say that you have lived this life ... proudly.

Im proud of you, and may you find the one thing that only you know what it is.

P.S: You should've listened to my plan back then >:)

m|ss v|xen said...

a fact that you shud always remember:
those people who have hold and support you for the past few days giler sayang kat ko.. eventho some of us remain sceptical of anything big will happen, we simply give u our fullest and undivided attention.. u did what you shud and theres no better way to show ur true self..

and another reminder pai.. i like to think my dear husband will always remain more handsome than you :P!

m|ss v|xen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mama said...

aper ko nih tapai...lepas kitaorang cube nak grooming ko ini jadik nyer??...isk isk isk...call aku skarang?.....call cepat call cepat..

myjulieyana said...

pai.. u've made the most honorable & sensible decision.. eventhough we didn't get the fullest-version story from you, our speculation is damn true! don't know how, but we just have the feeling that something BIG is going on with your love life.. like Farul said.. "The one means the right girl at the right time".. and your wrong timing doesn't mean that Allah didn't love you.. all these tests will make you tough on yourself, and life will be easier later.. i always tell myself, life is not easy - as a matter of fact, it's tough, very tough.. every single person will face obstacle in life in various ways, at an unpredictable time.. yours is now, mine has passed, or maybe it will repeat.. be strong and talk to HIM whenever u feel down.. HE's the best listener afterall..

the ayil said...

sal tetibe sumerg sriyes ni?
nak sriyes american pool aa wey

ragsy937 said...


Anonymous : Who's this? Lagi best kalau tahu siapa, but thanx anyways

Ceng & Along : what you saw during the darkest hour shud be kept secret. syhhhh ;). Thanx for comforting.

Esah & Ayil : Thanx a lot, I know it was so damn drama swasta, that drama swasta pon tak drama swasta cam tu. Gile tak logik cerita! Tapi korang still stood by me. Thanks and wuv both of youu!

Comment Deleted : Weyh, tulis balek weyh,, comment jer

Mama : Tuk guruuuuu.. sori arr terpaksa mengecewakan kooo.. ahhaha

Juli & Chot : Sorry la tak dpt story full version tapi instinct korang kuat gile! Dah borak panjang ngan chot tadi kat opis. Thanx for the advise. Ckp sorry kat chot koz banyak nyusahkan die. Aku kene belanja korang double piza!

Ayil : Jom ar kalau berani!

RUmet, Qz, Farul and Jue.. korang kasik comment dulu weyhh.. ahhaha

+cheeps+ said...

Already at the acceptance phase?? God.. !! That's just boring...

tm nut said...


Farul said...

I wake up to the sound of rain upon my sill
Pick up the pieces of my yesterday old thrill
Can I deliver this used up shiver
To how I pronounce my life
And leave it up to faith to go by its own will

Back row to the left
A little to the side
Slightly out of place
Look beyond the light
Where you'd least expect
There's someone special

- Someone Special, Poets Of The Fall

robotix said...

wow.. look at all those consoling comments.. r u commiting suicide or something?

Anonymous said...

U r welkam. Err...nak tau saper?..Not need kot. Prefer my superhero identity remains anonymous. Hehe. U take care.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...seeing lots of people around u yang sayang giler kat u..Now my heart can rest in peace.
Now I can reveal my identity..jeng jeng...I am...cat woman...miauw..miauw...

Anonymous said...

actually i am the real anonymous that made the comment. the other anonymous is an imposter. hey don't try to take the credit me. i love u tapai.

Anonymous said...

tapai. there are a lot of single women out there asking about the same thing, about the right guy, the right time, the right moment, the right whatever. and there are also men like you who will ponder the same. and sadly, most just ponder... and in the end they realise... "hey pigs can't fly right? fishes don't need bicycles, so what the hell..."

you see, its human to be economical. of which we do so little hoping to achieve so much. and we might want to change that a little. i honestly feel that you have done so little, and making things worse, you have done so little wrongly.

if what you need now is woman of your life... please start looking around, really look around (emphasise on the latter). the way i see it, falling in love with somebody's fiance who was about to be married clearly proved my point of how economic you are!

perhaps i am wrong, because i do not understand how you struggle or perhaps i am right, or perhaps this subject is too petty to be thought about. its for you to decide. or what would be better is for you to re-examine whether is that what you really want. A WOMAN? A RELATIONSHIP? having to fail a lot of time as you claimed seem to change my view on your case. is it what you want? or is it what people make you want?

friends are good support, make you feel wanted when the truth is you are unwanted, making you feel happy when truth is you are sad, picking you up when you are down. but if you discard the support factors in the multi-factorial equation, you are alone. truth of the matter, we are all alone, and nobody cares about you more than you yourself.

sometimes friendship/relationship would only mean you are dwarfing your mind to new ideas, new heights of life, new goals... or perhaps new type of woman? though mostly otherwise, but think about the possibilities pai... think!

you have so much to offer tapai. maybe if you could twist the facade a bit, you would have even more! or maybe, this comment is just invalid, since i do not hang around you all the time. but i seriously believe that "someday pigs will fly"...

which is of course the title of my play. don't forget to join us for a short discussion during rehearsal on thursday /friday. at 8. maybe you could tell me more then. or maybe you won't.

you know who i am.

Anonymous said...

Yeap Tapai..you have so much to offer.. So far that is the best comment ever..Though entirely I don't really agree wiv the whole content but I agree wiv this sentence..u have so much to offer.

rumet said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
rumet said...

too tired to give consoling comments to you tapai! You loserr... padan muka ko. Sape soh tak citer kat aku!!! now what are you left with? a stick in your arse right!

Anonymous said...

i agree with the anonymous with the long comment.. yupp.. we human always try to be economical, doing things so little but hoping to achieve so much.. then we end up with so much dissapointment.. sigh..

robotix said...

cheepox.. u r a good guy and it's her lost for not seeing who u r. life is not easy and it won't be easy just because u want it to. be strong..

my a**

muahahahah.. let see how many consoling comments u can get just to see r there really ppl that concern bout u.

robotix said...

dem wrong blog..

Anonymous said...

Do hate yourself if u ruins her happiness.Do hate her if she herself ruins her happiness.But we will hate both of u if u ruin other's happiness.